fragile

Sometimes, Henry wakes up early like me. It's usually a bit after me and a bit before everyone else wakes up. He wanders... truly wanders... down stairs, pajama clad, and finds me wherever I am sitting. He pays no respect to what I am doing, whether its reading, or writing, or eating and he worms his way through whatever is in my hands and sits on my lap. He says "Good morning Dad." And I am compelled, by the severe realization that whatever I am doing is practically meaningless compared to what has just wandered in, to put whatever it is that I am doing down and to hold the silly mop-headed boy that has come looking for me.

He asks me what I like almost constantly. A comparison of two things "Dad, who's better, Iron man or Mysterio?" and I do my best to answer, and he then, if he agrees, smiles and says "Yeah I think so too." or if he disagrees "Yeah.. I think so too." Henry is at this magical age where what I do is good. My God....I can't begin to tell you what this is doing to me. I live my life wishing I were somewhere away from everyone and Henry and Nora are  taking me in as their own.

I miss my kids when they go to bed. Five minutes after they have quieted, I wish they were still up. That isn't to say that they can't get on my nerves... certainly their bickering and constant demands of equality wear on me. But it doesn't matter. I just want them near me. I want all of the chaos and craziness of their lives intermixed with mine. It's dangerous... maybe even more than that... but I want Henry's adoration. I know it is an age... a growing stage... but to be the epicenter of someone's life to that degree, to have that much gravity assigned to me, is amazing, especially in the form of this little boy with legs too long and unruly hair that looks better left alone than combed, with eyes that look directly into mine and hands that wind their way through whatever I previously thought was important and into my beard and hair. I understand solitude and crave that simplicity... but to be needed is beyond that. To be needed in this way is to find that your place in this world is not your place at all...

db